Dear ABBY: After a decade of loneliness after divorce, I have found a loving man whom I will call “Drew”. We share many of the same interests and values, and are enjoying this second chance at love and romance. We spend time at each other’s houses and my grown children love having him around.
The challenge is the erratic and angry behavior of his 27-year-old son, “Adam”, who lives in the building my boyfriend owns and lives in. Adam was previously diagnosed with bipolar disorder. Drew now says the diagnosis was incorrect and Adam is learning how to deal with his emotions without heavy medication.
Abby, Adam has never held down a job and only manages one college class a semester in his quest to get into a four-year university. The balance of his time is spent playing with friends online and complaining about the neighbors who rent in the mansion. I have witnessed his disturbing and angry behavior and I have made it clear that I will walk away from the drama if things get heated in my presence.
What I’m struggling with is the passive way Drew is managing Adam’s bullying and negative behavior. When Adam acts, Drew is often sworn at, mocked, manipulated, and disrespected. The codependency and opportunity in this father-son relationship precludes any possibility of Adam achieving an independent life.
Drew gets very protective when I talk about his son and rarely has agreement on how to handle a particular outburst. I’m not sure I can manage a future with him if his son comes as a package. Should I stay or should I go? – SEE THE WRITING ON THE WALL
BELOVED WRITING: Cope – Drew’s mentally challenged son is part of a package. Your boyfriend has no intention of changing the dynamic between him and Adam because, as uncomfortable as it may be at times, he won’t bear the responsibility of being hard enough on him to assign him more responsibility and less playtime. How sad for all three. If you are happy with the status quo, you should stay. However, if you wanted to marry and live with Drew, I don’t think it’s in the cards and you should get out of the picture.
Dear ABBY: I really like this guy. He makes me very happy. He told me that he is attracted to me, but he doesn’t want a relationship with me. When we spend time together, we always have a good time. When I reach out to him, he doesn’t always respond right away, but he treats me wonderfully when he does. I really want us to go out – not have a “relationship”, just meet. How can I tell him this? – FALL FOR IT
DEAR REJ E FORT: This guy might have the same thing on his mind as you. There may be reasons you need to know why he doesn’t always respond to you in a timely manner. He may need to focus on school, his job, or another girlfriend. It would be in your best interest to know why. Since you would be willing to date him under the circumstances you described, talk and see how he reacts.
Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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